Who gives a sh*t
Who gives a sh*t about me. Who gives a _ _ _ _ about this blog. Do I care?
I don’t know what’s wrong w/ me. I feel weird tonight. Maybe I’m depressed.
I feel useless. Like I’m not doing enough w/ my life. I took a hiatus from work (perfect timing w/ my brother getting sick and then his subsequent death) but now I just feel like my life has no direction.
I LOVE who I am. I just feel weird right now, tonight. Sad. Frustrated.
I have all the time in the world but can’t seem to make time to do the things I want to.
I’m having a hell of a time trying to stick to a diet. That leads to self-loathing in itself.
Something is going on in the neighborhood tonight…. (click below to read more)
I heard tires sqeal (I think) and the roar of an engine unusually loud. I opened the door to the garage and found the garage-door open. A million bugs swarming around the garage light. I got bugs in my hair, well, I felt them crash into my head. Sick! The garage door was totally open for anyone to walk in or steal our stuff. Crazy stuff happens all the time. Recently here, two guys hyped up on crack just walked into this house (garage door was open) and kidnapped the husband and beat the wife and took the husband for like a 40 mile ride and then drove themselves into a pole, killing one of the crackheads.
So I made M get out of bed to help me scope out the garage. Nothing seemed missing and I even looked under the car. Only after M went to bed did I realize we never checked IN the car! Now I hate wake M again, but what if someone is IN the car? If I never blog again, it’s cuz I was hacked to death by crackheads that hid in M’s car in the garage.
So then I heard the engine roar outside again and when I looked outside a fire engine went by. Some dog won’t stop barking (unusual for this neighborhood) and I hear a constant rumble like there is another fire engine around the corner. A house has all it’s lights on and it’s late here and this is “everyone has kids but us” suburbia, so maybe somebody’s baby got sick. Who knows.
But I’m all freaked out and it’s just adding to my already messed-up frame of mind tonight.
I feel sad. I miss my brother.
I do this every night. I stay up late in spite of being tired. It’s like I’m afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams, or afraid of the following day.
I’m a mess and my shrink is closing her business and moving away. I was looking for a nutritionist to help me lose some weight and improve my diet. A friend recommended her as a nutritionist so I went. Only after I got there did I find out she’s a Registered Dietician AND a Certified Mental Health Counselor who specializes in eating disorders. It was a god-send because I started going to her just before my brother got sick, and she was there for me through his decline and death. I am thankful that I found her.
I wonder what she’d say about my babblings tonight. I just feel strange. Sad but can’t pinpoint why. Anxious to do things but can’t make myself complete one project, finish one book, or get a library book to the library on time.
I’m disjointed. Maybe I should take up meditation or yoga. Oh yeah, add that to the huge long list of things I SHOULD be doing.